It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
