I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
