I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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