I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
