I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
