Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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