My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
