my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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