Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
