I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
