I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
