you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
