12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
zippers are such a cool invention
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she pinky promised me she was 18
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
