next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
