My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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