i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
