You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
