Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
