I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
