He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
