Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
