even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
