I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Randomize
