I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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