I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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