there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
