Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize