Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
