hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
