Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
