So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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