guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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