I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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