She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize