She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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