I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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