Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize