I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
