he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
