do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
