walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
