if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
