I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I need water and some morals
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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