You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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