Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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