I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it was like eating out sand paper
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
