It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
