someone get that fucking seahorse.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
