Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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