I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
