She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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