Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize