He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
