dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
