My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
