happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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