I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
