Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
